A few words on online dating.

Inevitably, any time I complain about being single, the first suggestion out of anyone’s mouth is “why don’t you try online dating?”

I have nothing against online dating. I have several friends and family members who are very happy with people they met online. It definitely works for some people. But I also have heard horror stories about dates gone wrong and weird messages, and today I’d like to share one with you.

A friend emailed this one to me this morning. She got a message from this guy about two days ago, and when she didn’t reply, she got this:

Hey,

I just now realized what must have happened to you–

You must have been burglarized, and the only thing that horrible and wretched thief must have stole was your keyboard. I feel bad now you poor, poor soul… you must have been so traumatized just sitting there staring at my profile on the screen, clicking away futilely and slamming your mouse down in frustration multiple times while cursing the heavens that this had to happen to you today and that there’s no way for you respond to me.

A few notes:

I know you’re trying to be funny, but why in God’s name would anyone steal just a keyboard? And don’t most people have laptops or iPads or at least a smart phone these days? Come on, dude, we live in New York City. Your attempt at being funny is not funny. Strike one.

I’m also sure you think your profile is so amazing that most women just can’t tear their eyes away from it. Guess what – your profile is probably not that interesting. That’s probably why my friend didn’t reply to you in the first place.

Like I said… luckily for you, I’m an exceptionally perceptive guy. I mean how many other guys would know that is EXACTLY what happened to you with the limited information you gave me 🙂 And since I’m also in the business of solving problems, here’s some solutions to help you get in contact with me:

Dude, you are just so smart. I don’t know how my friend ever got by before she knew you existed in this world.

1. Get some matches, grab 3 garbage cans, and arrange them in a triangle formation to set them all on fire simultaneously. This will create an accurate smoke triangulation signal so I can come over and find you. I’m like a modern-day knight in shining armor.

Modern-day knight in shining armor? Wow, our definition of chivalry has gone waaaaay downhill.

2. If you don’t have an active match account, you can text me at xxx-xxx-xxxx so we can continue the conversation… otherwise I’ll keep scanning the horizon for your smoke pillar!

I just can’t. I don’t even have the energy to try to make fun of this guy anymore, because this is just so awful.

I didn’t ask my friend what this guy looked like, or what he he did for a living, or if she thought they’d be a good match because none of it matters. He might be a nice, smart, successful guy, but I just can’t get past the whiff of desperation that permeates this note.

Guys, consider this your lesson in dating for this week: If the girl hasn’t replied, she’s either a) not interested or b) busy. Give her longer than two days. But if she’s not interested, a cheesy note like this one will not make her interested. For all you know, maybe she was planning to reply and just hasn’t had a chance yet because, you know, she has a life? If I was her, and I was even remotely interested, this exercise in stupidity would have made me click delete on both the original message and this one. Seriously. There’s a thing called trying too hard, and you are doing it.

UPDATE: My friend looked at his profile, and it includes this gem:

I run a marketing company. I make you look better than you probably deserve, and I make you more money than you dreamed possible. I’m like make-up or a boob-job for your business 🙂

I have no words.

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