The Online Experiment: Day 15.

Well, dear readers, I’m 15 days into The Online Experiment, and the results so far are:

  • Profile viewed: 635 times
  • Emails received: 6
  • Emails received that weren’t totally weird: 5
  • Dates: 0
  • Profile revised: at least 4 times

As for those six emails, I’ve received such gems as:

Totally. Dig. The hair. It kind of reminds me of a soft and shiny field of wheat, slowly waving in the field on a warm and lazy summer day — right before it gets harvested and processed into beer. Why beer? Who knows, I love beer. And you reminded me of it, which made me smile. Whoa, I just realized the enormity of that statement… your first impression ONLINE made me smile! I guess this is what they mean by love at first sight haha 🙂


How long have you been out here? I’ve been here for eight months now, could be paroled soon so I may go back to SoCal. Not sure…

There you go. To everyone out there who implored me to try the online dating thing, this is what you get. The most depressing thing is that about one percent of the people who viewed me decided I was worth emailing. One percent. If that’s not enough to make you want to withdraw completely from civilized society and count on a life of solitude and Friday nights spent with wine and dates with fictional television characters, I don’t know what is.

I’m (mostly) exaggerating, but still, I’m finding there’s a lot I don’t like about the online route:

  • It’s superficial. You’re forced to evaluate people immediately based on parameters that may or may not matter down the road. Sure, I’d really like to date a guy whose political viewpoints are on the liberal side, but say I fall in love with a Republican? It’s happened before. (I’m not proud of it, but by the time we split up, he was sitting squarely on the left side of the fence, whether he’d ever admit it or not.) Likewise, some guy might be out there searching for “someday wants kids,” but perhaps after I charm him with my dazzling personality and knowledge of football, he decides that he wants me more than he wants kids. It happens, people adapt and change, and I don’t like pretending that cut and dry parameters actually mean anything.
  • It’s time consuming. Seriously, it takes a lot of time and effort to sort through thousands of profiles, figure out what to say in an email… and to be honest, I don’t have hours every day to spend on this. Nor would I want to, even if I did. I have a life. I have a city to explore and work to do. Sure, some of my friends met their husbands, wives, girlfriends, or boyfriends online. But a large majority met him or her doing normal everyday things that didn’t take extra time out of their lives – at work, or at school, or through friends. I love them for worrying about me, but sometimes I want to remind them that what I’m trying so hard to do came oh so easily to them.
  • It’s awkward and unnatural. Do you like talking about yourself? I don’t, really. I like writing funny stories about my absurd life, but if anyone asks me to describe who I am, I get tongue tied. “Um… well, I’m from Pittsburgh… I like singing… I like hockey…” The guys I’ve had the best times with over the years, I’ve just been myself with – loud, sometimes obnoxious, unfiltered me, swearing and drinking beer and eating wings and yelling at Ben Roethlisberger. I can’t yell at Ben Roethlisberger on

My friends are begging me to be patient. I’ve paid upfront for three months, so I don’t really have a choice. I’m in this for at least 75 more days, and I’m maintaining my original goal of three dates. But I’m just wondering… is there anyone normal out there in online land who is compatible and wants to chat with me?


7 thoughts on “The Online Experiment: Day 15.

  1. My dating mantra was always, “At the very least, I’ll get a good story out of it.” So if you go out on a date 5 years ago with a guy who is wearing penny loafers that he insists on mentioning are Gucci every half hour and has not one but two separate framed pictures in his condo of him, his father and George W. Bush and says, “You ask people for money for a living?” when you say you just got a grant funded for Autism initiatives, you’re still left with a great story to share with your friends. 😉

    Any guy who isn’t instantly intrigues by, “I’m from Pittsburgh and I like hockey and singing,” probably admires GW Bush. I think that’s an awesome way to describe yourself!

  2. Yes, 1% of the people who viewed your profile emailed you. But think about those 635 guys that looked. How many of them do you think were actually going to be worth your time? 20 maybe? That means you’re raking in 30% of the guys you want who are actually looking at your profile. Sounds pretty solid to me.

  3. I’m sorry your online dating hasn’t gone well. But as it made for quite a funny posting, I’m not that sorry. 😉 Those emails you received were hilarious! I too love telling funny stories of the weird things that happen to me, like the time I came home from work, was attacked by some weird military experiment of a wasp, to discover it had made a nest on my clothing which dried outside on a clothesline and I wore the wasp to work all night long. ::shudder:: But ask me about myself and I start talking about my family and how I grew up on a farm and got into hornets nests while building a Swiss Family Robinson miniature tree house. I have a lot of bad wasp/hornet stories.

  4. Pingback: Go for it. Just PROMISE you’ll only write nice things about me. | Life through My Eyes

  5. Randomly bumped into your profile after searching for Ted Mosby and, of all things, red cowboy boots. Just remember the advice of Dr. Elliott Reed (she will never be Stella in my eyes and, frankly, I bet you that John Dorian isn’t too happy she moved to NY and has a kid…but I digress)…”she (he in this case) is out there and is running to you as fast as she (he) can”!

    Big fan of the posts and gives me a break from the monotony of work!

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