Happy Monday! Welcome to the bracket of men who don’t give a shit that it’s Monday. There are things that need to be done, and they will do them. And they will look damn good doing it.
These are the no-nonsense men, and that’s pretty much all they have in common. We have a football coach and player, doctors, law enforcement, and a werewolf. This bracket also features our only self-matchup, as the 1990s and 2000s versions of Matthew Fox go head to head. Take a few minutes to procrastinate with these guys today, and then get back to doing your own shit.
(1) Coach Eric Taylor – Friday Night Lights
Eric Taylor is a molder of men. And what a mold he has to work with! This is a man who leads high school boys to football championships, breaks up fights in the Applebee’s parking lot and builds a pink tricycle for his daughter. This is a MAN. He will comfort you when your father dies or speak on your behalf to your parole board or arrange a good old-fashioned Mud Bowl. He married the most awesome woman in the country, so you know he has impeccable taste. And has anyone ever looked so sexy in dad shorts and mirrored sunglasses? Not even close. Clear eyes, full hearts. Can’t lose.
(16) Eric Murphy – Entourage
Eric Murphy has to put up with a lot of shit to get shit done. He manages a bratty movie star while serving as (one of) Ari Gold’s verbal whipping boys. He basically makes every decision for Vincent Chase – well, the good ones, anyway – and parlayed that into a decent career in management. But he whines. A lot. And he’s judgmental. And he had a damn near perfect girl in Sloan and repeatedly screwed it up. Plus you’d have to deal with hanging out with Drama all the time.
(2) Brandon Walsh – Beverly Hills, 90210
You don’t find them much more ambitious than Brandon Walsh. His resume reads like a man with a plan: co-editor-in-chief of the Beverly Blaze and the CU Condor. Student body president. Moral compass of the West Beverly gang. Favorite of teachers and professors everywhere. Sure, there was that minor gambling problem, and he did sleep with his married professor that one time, but come on, you know you want to date the man who organized the great DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES protest of 1993.
(15) Cary Agos – The Good Wife
Smart. Shrewd. So cute! Cary Agos is the darkhorse of The Good Wife men, with heavy hitters Josh Charles and Chris Noth around. But just try to resist that smile. He’s secretly rather sweet, loves ethnic women (hooray for diversity!), and occasionally gets adorably high on ‘shrooms. Everyone assumes he’s a snake but he actually has more principles than the people around him. Still, you’re never quite sure what side he’s on, which makes him one surprisingly mysterious (re: sexy) pretty-boy Harvard law school grad.
(3) Derek Shepherd – Grey’s Anatomy
Oh, you mean McDreamy? Former Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace and one of the best neurosurgeons in the world. Charming, smart, and oh so handsome, with eyes that will make you melt. He’s put up with Meredith Grey for this long, so you know he’s a patient man. Excellent at clandestine romps in exam rooms.
(14) Jack Donaghy – 30 Rock
Anyone who has ever served as Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming knows how to get shit done. Worked his way up from poverty to Princeton to Harvard Business School, where he was voted “Most” by his classmates. Though his ideas are often misguided, and his compliments are usually backhanded, you’ll never have to worry about him showing up under-dressed – after all, tuxedos are expected after six, unless you’re a farmer.
(4) Smith Jerrod – Sex and the City
Absolute hunk for sure. Even more so, he’s a total sweetheart. Sure, he’s in AA and you may have to cross a river into Brooklyn to see him perform in an odd play or two, but he will more than make it up for you. He will stand by your side through smaller things like an indiscretion with an a-hole ex-boyfriend and big things like cancer. He’ll give you the best head of your life.
(13) Jack Bauer – 24
He’s a total badass. Jack saves the world in a day, and is a combination of James Bond, Walker, Texas Ranger, and MacGyver. I mean, yeah, he’s kind of busy and all, but I’d rather be his girlfriend than his ex-girlfriend.
(5) Jack Shephard – Lost
Say your plane crashes on an island in the middle of the South Pacific. Stuff is blowing up, and strange noises are coming from the jungle, and there may have been a fugitive on the plane, and holy crap, was that a polar bear? Would you have any idea what to do with all of that? You’d need someone to take charge, right? For all his faults – and there were many – no one can ever say Jack Shephard didn’t try, that he didn’t have his heart in the right place, and that he didn’t bring (kind of) order to the craziest place on earth (or in time, or wherever the hell they were). You’d much rather live together with him than die alone.
(12) Charlie Salinger – Party of Five
The oldest of the Salinger kids, thrust into being the head of the family at only 24-years-old. Forced to grow up quickly, and does it. It’s not easy, but family comes first for Charlie, and he’ll protect them at any cost.
(6) Luke Cafferty – Friday Night Lights
Sweet + sexy = Luke Cafferty. He is an all-American boy, a farmer, a football player (offense AND defense, bitches), a horny teenager. He plays through the pain. He does the right thing. He has a sly sense of humor and good manners. Not to mention strong swimmers! I have nothing else to say except just look at that face and those arms and that smile and know that if I met a boy like Luke in high school, I’d never have left home. He can knock me up in the back of his pickup truck any day.
(11) Alcide Hevreux – True Blood
Yeah, he’s a werewolf, but he’s got a heart of gold. He’ll fight for Sookie’s life (even though she doesn’t deserve it), and he refuses to give in to all the evil temptations around Bon Temps, Louisiana. I’d deal with a few supernatural issues if I’ve got a man who is loyal, kind, and looks like he does with his shirt off.
(7) Ryan Atwood – The OC
As clichéd as this character was – the cute rebel from the wrong side of the tracks who’s thrown into the posh OC world – Ryan Atwood managed to keep from being a carbon copy of Dylan McKay. He took the blame so his girlfriend wouldn’t go to jail for the murder of his brother and held her in his arms as she died. Sure, there was that stint when he became a cage fighter and the fact that every woman he loves ends up in a hospital for some odd reason or another, but everyone loves a bad boy.
(10) Raylan Givens – Justified
He is devastatingly handsome, smart in both the “as a whip” and aleck sense, and a total badass (do NOT draw on him, even if he’s sleeping. you will lose) – and bonus, he’s one of the good guys! Raylan Givens is a top-notch U.S. Marshal and a modern Southern gentleman. He likes Kentucky’s bourbon and its ladies (they like him too). Nobody looks better in a pair of Levis. Most of all, Raylan is the man you want at your side when the shit goes down. Because he will take care of business quickly and coolly, losing neither his head nor his signature hat. And then it’s sexytime. Yes.
(8) Eliot Stabler – Law & Order: SVU
Pros: ARMS. Family man. Loyal to his partner, Olivia. Low, sexy voice that makes a New York accent sound dangerously attractive. Cons: Married to his work. Trigger happy.
(9) Ron Swanson – Parks & Recreation
He’ll never judge you for ordering a steak at dinner, in fact, he’ll probably encourage you to order two. He’ll carve you a canoe. He has a mustache. Even if your name isn’t Tammy, he’s Ron F*cking Swanson. Enough said.