The fine art of killing, screwing, and marrying.


I can spend hours playing the game Kill, Screw, or Marry.

Not familiar with the game? It’s literally what it sounds like – you give someone three choices, and they need to decide who they’d kill, who they’d screw, and who they’d marry. The choices are most often celebrities, but I’ve had nights where I sit around for hours with friends, drink copious amounts of wine, and cycle through our class rosters. If I know you in real life, there’s a good chance your name has been mentioned at some point along the way.

The game is simple, but provides an incredible amount of entertainment. The most entertaining rounds are when there are three especially great choices – the person’s three biggest celebrity crushes, for example – or three really bad choices – the three grossest guys you know. You learn a lot about your friends and how they evaluate men. And you’ll probably get in an argument or two.

The kill is always the hardest – it’s often not that you don’t like the guy, it’s that you like the other two better. The screwing is the easiest – usually it’s the hottest of the bunch, or at least the hottest with the least appealing personality. It’s a one-night stand mentality.

Yesterday, I was struggling with motivation at work. I was chatting with a friend, and since we’re going to see The Avengers tomorrow night, I decided to throw her a relevant K/S/M: Robert Downey Jr., Jeremy Renner, or Mark Ruffalo. Three solid choices, if I say so myself:

This one kicked off an hours long conversation in which the following groups of men were all submitted for consideration. (If you know me, you know several of these were incredibly difficult choices.)

  • Kris Letang / Sidney Crosby / Matt Cooke
  • Sidney Crosby / Kris Letang / Jordan Staal
  • Eli Manning / Drew Brees / Aaron Rodgers
  • Tom Brady / Joe Flacco / Ben Roethlisberger (Note: I actually think this is the worst combination anyone has ever given me. I can’t conceive of ever having sex or spending more than five minutes alone with any of these men. My hatred of Tom Brady surpasses any kind of conventional attractiveness he may possess, so he was dead. I find him repulsive, and not in a Mike Richards when he was a Flyer hate sex kind of way. I married Ben, because then at least I’d be in Pittsburgh and could maybe get to a Super Bowl or two. And I said I’d screw Flacco “and keep my eyes closed and cry the entire time.”)
  • Ryan Gosling / Jake Gyllenhaal / Bradley Cooper
  • Casey Hampton / Ben Roethlisberger / Evgeni Malkin (Payback for the Brady/Flacco incident.)
  • Jack Shepherd / Sayid Jarrah / Sawyer
  • Nick Miller / Schmidt / Winston

Hours of entertainment, I tell you.

You need to evaluate certain qualities when determining each man’s fate: attractiveness, yes, but also personality, job security, and intelligence. Credit score, if you’re Nick Miller. It’s a serious business, determining which celebrity you will never meet but would select as your husband. It’s TV Boyfriend Bracket serious.

So to keep the fun going, and because I miss discussing fictional boyfriends, submit a trio of your own in the comments. Or pick your choices from one of these selections. (Though I recognize that if you’re not a sports fan or from Pittsburgh, you may have no preference on half of them.) Men, you can get in on this too. I’ll even start you off with one: Mila Kunis / Emma Stone / Charlize Theron.

It’s a summer Friday. Let’s all procrastinate.



4 thoughts on “The fine art of killing, screwing, and marrying.

  1. Brady/Flacco/Roethlisberger was the worst combo I could think of without getting into like serial killer territory. I apologize for the traumatic experience!

    • I had to kill Gosling. It was so traumatic. But Bradley seemed like the best marriage material, and I’ve had a thing for Jake for longer than Gosling. I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I still haven’t recovered. 😦

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