An open letter to my ex.

I really try not to complain too much about my ex on this blog. I know the vast majority of you readers in real life, and many of you knew him, and believe it or not, I do like to keep some parts of my life private. And furthermore, there’s a good possibility he’s found this blog, and I’d rather not divulge my most intimate thoughts about him – though there’s a very good chance I’ve yelled them at him at some point over the past few years.

But sometimes I just can’t hold it in.

Don’t want to look bad in my corner of the internet? It’s easy. Don’t piss me off. Don’t want to read about someone you know? Then don’t read.

So this one is for him. But it’s more for the women out there who doubt – who worry about the choices they’ve made in their lives, worry that there is something wrong with them, who wonder why things aren’t going their way. It’s all in the way you look a things, ladies. Sometimes your perspective just needs a little flip.

Dearest ex,

I’d really like to say thank you.

Thank you for being so incredibly difficult this week. For making me learn that, no matter how much credit I give the human race, the vast majority of you are not rational beings.

Thank you for getting rid of my doubt. I’d been having some – wondering if I could’ve done something differently, wishing I could go back in time. I’d been feeling really bad about myself. I’d never felt this badly about my life – I had always been content with the choices I’d made, the risks I’d taken, and the cards I’d been dealt. I never questioned my ambition or desires or dreams before you made me. And now I’ve spent a good few years wondering if I should have. If I should have taken the easy road, dealt with a job I hated or suppressed the yearnings I had for more to placate a man who perhaps, deep down, didn’t want a strong, independent, driven woman to overshadow him.

Thank you for giving me the chance to live in New York, somewhere I’d wanted to live since I was a teenager. Thank you for giving me the freedom to do what I wanted to do, to pursue the career and the goals that I have, without having to worry about someone else’s. Don’t get me wrong – I was happy to worry about yours when we were together. But few people get a second chance to follow their dreams, and I’d like to thank you for giving me that. And thank you for giving me the chance to find someone who appreciates that drive, who won’t be intimidated by it.

Thank you for making me stronger and more determined. Thank you, at the same time, for making me more cautious, more wary. Not as trusting as I once was. More cynical, more jaded. I don’t think these qualities are necessarily bad, because underneath it all, I remain optimistic. I am still convinced there’s someone out there for me, and I will find him. And if I don’t, I’m ok with that too. I have a job I love, I have phenomenal friends, and I have a supportive family.

And beyond that, I have confidence and peace of mind. I now know that I made the right decision, that there was nothing I could have done, and that I shouldn’t second guess myself at every turn. I’m a strong person. I’m a good person. I know that I am liked and, more importantly, respected.

Thank you for giving me the life I didn’t realize I wanted.

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