Movie Boyfriend Bracket: It’s Complicated

Let’s be honest here: none of these guys would make that great of a boyfriend. But they’d sure be fun while it lasted.

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Johnny Castle – Dirty Dancing (Patrick Swayze)
vs. Sirius Black – Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix (Gary Oldman)

Handsome Johnny Castle, the working class dance instructor at a ritzy Catskills resort, is the perfect kind of summer romance. He’s the experienced man who shows a young, innocent ingénue the ways of the world, using the universal sexy language of dance, but he’s also the kind of guy who learns something in return, something about standing up for people no matter what. So what if your father doesn’t approve? And did we mention dancing? Serious, amazing dancing? You’ll have the time of your life, we promise.

Dark, brooding, and the definition of mysterious, Sirius Black is not what he appears to be. Wrongly accused and thrown into Azkaban (that’s wizard prison for the uninitiated), he makes it out alive thanks to his physical and mental strength and his strong belief that what’s right will prevail. He may seem intimidating at first, but once you’ve broken his hard exterior, you’ll find a caring godfather and devoted friend, a brave fighter, and a mischievous sense of humor. Though you might find yourself in perilous situations with him, he’d never be afraid to make the ultimate sacrifice for you. He’s far better than anything you could ever hope to find in a muggle.

 

Bruce Wayne – Batman Begins (Christian Bale)
vs. Pat Solitano – Silver Linings Playbook (Bradley Cooper)

By day, Bruce Wayne is a billionaire philanthropist, spending his free time attending charity galas while looking damn good in a tux and his money on high-tech toys (just like any other man, really). He comes in at #8 on Forbes’ Fictional 15, worth an estimated $6.9 billion (!!!), and he lives in the incredible Wayne Manor, complete with a faithful butler. By night, he’s avenging his parents’ tragic death as the vigilante Batman, working to rid Gotham City of its most dangerous criminals. He’s a tortured soul, but he’s got a good heart and all the right ingredients for a great boyfriend. He’s looking for a woman who can love both Bruce and Batman, and I think I could deal with that. As long as he let me drive the Batmobile once in awhile.

Up against him… oh, is this one complicated. Pat was recently released from a mental institution after his bipolar disorder got a little out of control, though to his defense, the trigger was his wife cheating on him. And his family would be a lot to deal with – his mother is lovely, but his dad is relying on gambling on Philadelphia Eagles games to earn an income. But underneath the rough (and crazy) exterior, Pat has a good heart. He is dedicated to improving himself – whether that’s losing weight or reading the entire syllabus of a high school English class. (Just try to leave Ernest Hemingway out of the conversation for your own good.) And when he agrees to something, he follows through, like learning to dance to help a friend compete in a ballroom dancing competition and his dad win his most important wager yet. Fans of the Dallas Cowboys and the song My Cherie Amour need not apply.

 

Ben Barry – How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (Matthew McConaughey)
vs. Will Hunting – Good Will Hunting (Matt Damon)

Successful, talented advertising executive Ben Barry claims he can make any woman fall in love with him, and I think he may be right. He’ll have the patience to deal with all of your craziness, whether it’s interrupting his poker game, buying him a love fern, or using Photoshop to see what your future children would look like. Meanwhile, he knows how to turn on the charm, with flowers sent to the office, a home-cooked meal, and a trip on his motorcycle to visit his family. He does have a penchant for betting on new business at work via bets in his personal life, but you can be sure he’ll make things right in the end.

Will Hunting is proof that you can’t judge a book by his cover. Rough on the outside, brilliant on the inside, Will is a janitor at MIT who spends his free time solving graduate level math problems just for fun. He’s got demons in his past, so he’s put up many walls, but it’s worth the hard work to break them down, because underneath is a hardworking, charismatic young man with infinite potential. He values the friends who have become his family more than anything in the world, and he’ll listen to them when they tell him he’s screwing up. And then he’ll work to fix it. How do you like them apples?

Magic Mike – Magic Mike (Channing Tatum)
vs. Eames – Inception (Tom Hardy)

Yes, Mike is a stripper, and yes, you’ll have to deal with women tossing dollar bills at him every weekend. But he’s more than just a G-string; if you can get past that, what you’ll find is a decent, interesting, creative guy, who spends his free time building furniture and saving money to make it a real career someday. He’s sweet, he’ll take you on amazing dates in the middle of the ocean, and when his friend is in serious trouble, he won’t think twice about using his life savings to bail him out. That’s a good guy, right there. And did I mention, he’s got serious moves?

“You mustn’t be afraid to dream a little big bigger, darling.” If you want to dream big (or have that line said to you in a super sexy British accent), Eames is your man. This Brit works as a forger on a unique team which can intercept and change your dreams – meaning, he can transform himself into anyone he wants in your subconscious. That’s a skill that could come in handy, right? Why you’d ever want him to change, though, is beyond my comprehension, since in real life, he’s a suave, flirtatious Brit with a dry sense of humor and a real way with words. He loves the challenge of the dream world and the creativity it affords him, and he’s quite good at it. It could get really complicated, but when you’re with him, would you really care?

 

Patrick Verona – 10 Things I Hate About You (Heath Ledger)
vs. Paul – The Kids Are All Right (Mark Ruffalo)

Patrick Verona is the coolest kid at school – he’s the rebel who hangs out in bars, smokes cigarettes, has a cool accent, and just doesn’t give a fuck. He’s mysteriously handsome and debonair, and if he’s into you, he will let you know in the most fantastic way possible. It’s complicated, since this guy has been known to pursue girls if he’s paid the right amount of money, but underneath the conning is a fun-loving guy who just needs to find the right girl.

Donor dad is a stone cold fox! Paul is a very cool California dude who is contacted by the now-teenaged products of his sperm donations. Sounds pretty awkward, but Paul takes it all in stride and welcomes the kids into his laid-back life. Though his situation is complicated, Paul himself isn’t–he’s just a super likeable, scruffy, sexy guy (to the point that even a married lesbian can’t resist him). Very few men look better in a t-shirt and jeans. He owns an organic co-op farm and a farm-to-table restaurant. He bakes delicious pies from scratch and hosts dinners full of good wine, rare steaks, and Joni Mitchell sing-a-longs. He learns by doing, gets his hands dirty, and gives good advice: “It’s already hard enough to open your heart in this world. Don’t make it any harder.” Lord knows it would be much, much easier if this world had more guys like Paul in it.

James Bond – Casino Royale (Daniel Craig)
vs. Jason Bourne – The Bourne Identity (Matt Damon)

James Bond is probably both the most dangerous and safest man you could be with: while people are always trying to kill him, he would never let anyone hurt you. He is DEFINITELY the sexiest man you could be with. Those piercing blue eyes! That sly sense of humor! That ridiculously hot body that looks fantastic in a tuxedo but even better out of it! Bond is a super-elite British spy with a license to kill, which admittedly does not make for ideal boyfriend material. But when he falls in love, James walks away from his dangerous lifestyle without a second thought. No more deadly (and endless) poker games or stairwell samurai fights–now he spends his days sailing around the Mediterranean and making out on beaches. Add a few shaken-not-stirred martinis to the mix and it all sounds pretty bloody ideal to me.

Jason Bourne is literally the perfect male specimen – genetically engineered and given heightened physical and mental capabilities, with an incredible sense of resourcefulness and ability to get out of even the stickiest situations. He’s looking for someone to travel the world (sometimes in intense car chases, almost always on the run from something) and someone who has the stamina to keep up with him (wink, wink). He’s traumatized, so you’ll definitely need to be ready to comfort him, and every moment with him is intense, which sounds like a good time to me. You may need to disappear to a foreign location, but when you’re on the run with a man like this, who’s complaining?

Dickie Greenleaf – The Talented Mr. Ripley (Jude Law)
vs. Jason Fryman – Friends With Kids (Adam Scott)

Dickie is a ridiculously handsome and charming American ex-pat enjoying a life of leisure in southern Italy. The way Dickie lives is like one big love affair–it’s all sunbathing and sailing and drinking martinis and lounging around Italian villas and playing saxophone in jazz clubs and never, ever doing anything boring. The problem is that life with Dickie is not a monogamous love affair. He’s gorgeous and fun but not exactly faithful. But he is very, very gorgeous and very, very fun (seriously, this man is like the golden god of good times). So throw back a couple martinis and enjoy while you can–or at least until after the Christmas ski trip to Cortina!

Jason is a successful advertising executive in New York City, adorable beyond words, and a devoted father… the complication being that he’s the father of a child he has with his female best friend, conceived without any romantic relationship whatsoever. He looks like a nice guy, but he’s got an edge and sexiness to him that most nice guys don’t have. He’ll entertain you for hours with “either or” questions, and he’s always straight-forward and to the point. If you can get past the one (rather significant) complication, he’s quite a catch!

 

Danny Ocean – Ocean’s Eleven (George Clooney)
vs. Rusty Ryan – Ocean’s Eleven (Brad Pitt)

Our two favorite Ocean’s Eleven men! Danny Ocean is so suave that he leaves prison in a tuxedo. He’s the mastermind behind a ragtag team of criminals and organizes one of the most difficult and sophisticated heists Las Vegas has ever seen – all in order to get back the woman he loved. Sure, he robs banks for a living, but he lives by an honor code and never robs anyone who doesn’t deserve it. And if he ever decided to get clean, those management skills would get him far in the corporate world.

Rusty, meanwhile, is the yang to Danny’s yin. He’s the no-nonsense, business first, cool as a cucumber second in command, who teaches poker to young Hollywood on the side. He’s handsome and debonair without seeming to try at all. And he’ll always have snacks for you.

 

Note: none of the images belong to me; sourced via these sites.

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11 thoughts on “Movie Boyfriend Bracket: It’s Complicated

  1. Really surprised by the Will Hunting support! He was so mean to Minnie Driver and had a giant chip on his shoulder (not to mention Matt Damon’s unfortunate punched-in face). Give me Ben Barry with his Knicks tickets and lamb chops any day!

      • I know! I hate basketball too, but I wouldn’t mind being on the MSG kiss cam with McConaughey. And wouldn’t you rather date a Knicks fan than a Red Sox fan???

      • So was the Unabomber 😉

        Plus, Ben Barry is fun and charming and handsome and successful. Will Hunting is such a downer. I’d rather date Ben Affleck in his hideous track suits. Hell, I’d rather date Robin Williams with that horrible beard! At least he treated women with respect.

  2. A little surprised (in a good way!) by the neck to neck with Bond and Borne. I thought I was picking the underdog because everyone idealizes Bond (I mean Daniel Craig is hot, but it’s complicated doesn’t even begin to cover his issues), I’m happy Borne is getting recognition!

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