Movie Boyfriend Bracket: Get Shit Done

Time for the final (and my favorite) bracket! But first, our winners from the Complicated guys:

  • Johnny Castle
  • Bruce Wayne (yet I love that Pat Solitano got so many votes, it makes me so happy)
  • Ben Berry
  • Magic Mike
  • Patrick Verona
  • James Bond
  • Jason Fryman
  • Danny Ocean (which makes me so happy, because George Clooney >>>>> Brad Pitt)

Now, on to the guys who Get Shit Done…

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Doug Dorsey – The Cutting Edge (D.B. Sweeney)
vs. Marty McFly – Back to the Future (Michael J. Fox)

Doug Dorsey is cocky, flirtatious, and never wrong – and just the guy you want if you want to get shit done. A former Olympic hockey player nicknamed “The Minnesota Machine” (who doesn’t want to date a guy with a nickname like that?), he was forced to retire after an eye injury and takes his talents to pairs figure skating instead. He’s reluctant but undeniably talented and decides to bring a little grit and edge to the sport – he’s going to skate to the music he wants to skate to, and no, he absolutely will not button his top button. He can hold his liquor, he isn’t afraid to speak his mind, and he will nail the Pamchenko no matter what you say, thankyouverymuch. Plus, watch the movie again if you haven’t since you were 12 – Doug Dorsey is all kinds of sexy. There’s only two things he does really well, sweetheart, and skating’s the other one!

Marty is just cool. He rides a skateboard, he cuts class, he plays the guitar, he travels through freaking time and basically invents rock and roll as a result. Depending on what year you’re in, you may have to fend off his mother for his affections, and hanging out with a crazy scientist isn’t exactly my idea of a great time, but if it doesn’t work out with him, you can always steal the DeLorean to try to find love in another decade.

 

Westley – The Princess Bride (Cary Elwes)
vs. Bernard Campbell – Old School (Vince Vaughn)

Hear this now: Westley will always come for you. Even if he has to face a truly epic amount of shit to do so. Westley is a poor farm boy, “poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm” (swooning yet?) and a man of few words. Ask him anything and he’ll reply simply, “As you wish.” He is presumed dead at sea then returns five years later, now a dashing pirate, to rescue his beloved Buttercup from an assassination attempt. Westley lets nothing stand in the way of true love–not the Cliffs of Insanity, the Fire Swamp or the Pit of Despair. It may seem inconceivable, but he defeats an expert swordsman and a giant, and then even goes in against a Sicilian when death is on the line. Still not impressed? How about this: “Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses rated the most passionate, the most pure” but not one of them can hold a candle to Westley and his luscious lips.

OK, OK, I know, you’re thinking we’re crazy right now for this one. But hear us out here – Bernard is a successful businessman and owns a chain of Speaker City stores. He’s a fantastic event planner (Mitch-A-Palooza) and has friends in high places (Snoop Dogg). He’s a great father, throwing birthday parties complete with petting zoos and making sure his friends always say earmuffs before saying whatever else they want. Despite hanging around college girls, we never ever see him stray, so I suppose you could say he’s a good husband even though he complains about marriage all the time. Plus, he’s the one who came up with the idea to start a fraternity so Mitch can keep his house, and he kicks ass at the gymnastics rings – still holding!

 

Indiana Jones – Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade (Harrison Ford)
vs. John McClane – Die Hard (Bruce Willis)

Sorry, guys, they just don’t make action heroes like these anymore…

I had a discussion a few weeks ago wherein I told a friend that my favorite qualities in male characters were badassery and sarcasm. Indiana Jones is the epitome of those two qualities. Indy is tough, brilliant, charismatic, sexy, and funny, often all in the same scene. He’s an accomplished professor of archaeology, he’s not afraid of Nazis or the keepers of the Holy Grail (though he is afraid of snakes), he’ll venture into enemy territory to save his father despite their many issues, and he looks equally good in a tweed suit or a leather jacket.

Our Die Hard hero shares many of the same characteristics: he doesn’t take shit from anyone, he’s not afraid to shoot, he’ll gladly take on the bad guys, and he has quite a way with words. This no-nonsense cop is definitely a man who will get shit done – and look good doing it.

 

Jack Kelly – Newsies (Christian Bale)
vs. David – Love Actually (Hugh Grant)

Charismatic leader, defender of the underdogs, friend of Teddy Roosevelt, romancer, singer, dancer – is there anything Jack Kelly can’t do? When you talk about getting shit done, few accomplishments are more impressive than organizing the young newsboys of New York into a union, striking, and convincing Joseph Pulitzer, one of the most powerful men in New York, to pay them what they deserve – all while remaining loyal to his friends and speaking and singing with an adorable accent. Part rebel, part dreamer, with him you’ll open the gates and seize every day.

Yes, he really must work on his wave. But he’s the freaking British Prime Minister and he smacks down the U.S. President in the best movie press conference ever (cheers for both of David Beckham’s feet!). And it’s all because the Prez made a pass at David’s girl. David also offers to have her jerk ex-boyfriend murdered; ruthless trained killers just a phone call away = one of the many perks of being PM. He goes door-to-door down Harris Street, all the way to the dodgy end, to find her on Christmas Eve. David is very busy and important but remains charmingly self-deprecating–he says he looks like his Aunt Mildred and is willing to prostitute himself for some chocolate biscuits. He knows how to escape awkward situations with grace: smile, take a bow, and wave. It’s awesome that he is prepared to be much stronger, but maybe he should also prepare for some dance lessons? He’ll take you down, he’ll take you down, where no one’s ever gone before…

This is a tough one, so there’s really only one way to decide it: a dance-off.

 

Crash Davis – Bull Durham (Kevin Costner)
vs. Dignam – The Departed (Mark Wahlberg)

If you like sports and sex, Crash Davis is the man for you. And what a man he is. He’s smart and professional. He shoots pool and reads books and irons his clothes (in his underwear, while drinking scotch). He respects himself and the game–Crash is a baseball catcher who turns the pitiful Durham Bulls into a winning team and breaks the minor league home run record in the process. He’s conflicted about the honor, since it means most of his career was spent in the minors. He did make it to “the show” for the 21 greatest days of his life and plans to return as a manager. In the meantime, he just wants to be. So pull up a porch swing and join him, ladies. Crash gives good morning after (painting your toenails in bed, going at it on the breakfast table, taking steamy baths) and he gives *great* speech. Like she said, OH MY!

Should you vote for him? Here’s what Dignam would say: “Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself.” But he would say it in the most awesome, charming way possible. Dignam has a style of his own, all right. He’s crass, brash, vulgar–but also tough, smart, and loyal. He does not take any shit from anybody and he always gets the job done. He really has such a colorful way with words. And can’t you just picture him leaving all the attitude at the office and being a total sweetheart at home? Like he’ll rub your feet and always open doors and take out the trash without being asked to and stuff. At the very least, he is very, very good at cleaning up other people’s messes. So I’m the girl who’s going to vote for Dignam. Don’t be the other girl.

Jacob Palmer – Crazy Stupid Love (Ryan Gosling)
vs. A.J. Frost – Armageddon (Ben Affleck)

Let’s get something out of the way first: the scene that launched a million Gosling Tumblrs. The scene that would have made us all hate Emma Stone if we didn’t all love Emma Stone so much. But there’s so much more to Jacob Palmer than the photoshopped abs and the Dirty Dancing move. He’s the quintessential alpha male who enjoys women, fine clothing, good drinks, and an occasional late night purchase from QVC. He will take a sad, broken man under his wing and build him back up again, help him find his manhood, and punch the guy who slept with his wife. He knows what he wants, and he isn’t afraid to go out and take it.

But when you’re talking about getting shit done, there’s the shit that is the everyday, mostly inconsequential stuff… and then there is a massive asteroid heading straight toward Earth to kill us all. A.J. Frost will take care of that kind of shit – specifically, he will get into a space shuttle, land on the asteroid, and drill a bomb into it to blow it up before it kills us all. It’s hard to compete with that… even with the Dirty Dancing move.

 

Billy Costigan – The Departed (Leonardo DiCaprio)
vs. Jake Brigance – A Time to Kill (Matthew McConaughey)

Of all the men in this bracket, Billy Costigan is the one I love the most. Because he is a wonderful and worthy man, yes, but also because he needs my love the most. He is SO BRAVE and so beautiful yet so very alone in the world. Billy sacrifices everything he has for the greater good. With his intelligence he should have been an astronaut, not a cop, but Billy serves the Commonwealth by infiltrating Boston’s Irish mob to bring down public enemy number one. His life is in jeopardy every minute of every day but he always keeps a steady hand. If Billy reaches out his hand to come knocking on your door on a rainy night, let him in. Give him hug (and then some). He needs it and you won’t regret it. Is his vulnerability really freaking you out? Because it’s really turning me on!

Young lawyer Jake Brigance is full of ideals and determination. He deals with threats from the KKK, the burning down of his house, and rioting in his small Mississippi town, never wavering from his job to defend a man in need for committing an act he thought was justified. He confronts the realities that most people within the small racist town are unwilling to confront and tries his best to change things, one mind at a time. He cares deeply about his wife and daughter. And damn, a southern accent has never sounded so sweet.

 

Maverick – Top Gun (Tom Cruise)
vs. Enjolras – Les Miserables (Aaron Tveit)

Pete “Maverick” Mitchell is a naval aviator invited to train at the exclusive Top Gun school. He’s reckless and hotheaded and cares little for rules, but he’ll stop at nothing to get the job done his way. He’s hot enough to seduce his teacher, starting with an enthusiastic rendition of “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling,” which, trust me, actually works in real life. He’s a participant in the greatest volleyball scene in cinematic history. He feels the need… the need for speed. Think you can keep up?

Enjolras, meanwhile, has more important things on his mind. He strives toward a larger goal, our little lives don’t count at all. He’s not in it for the money or the fame; rather, nothing gets Enjolras all hot and bothered more than the cause for which he’s fighting. He’s the charismatic leader of a group of student revolutionaries, who values freedom and equality so much that he is willing to sacrifice his own life fighting for justice on the streets of Paris. He’s intelligent, passionate, fearless, sexy (even with terrible hair), and convincing – especially when he’s singing in a perfectly pristine voice (which is an important, relevant detail because this is a movie musical). He needs some female company at the barricade, and he wouldn’t have to ask me twice – the beating of my heart already echoes the beating of the drums.

 

Note: none of the images belong to me; they were sourced via these sites.

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5 thoughts on “Movie Boyfriend Bracket: Get Shit Done

  1. I’m having a very difficult time: Jacob Palmer – Crazy Stupid Love (Ryan Gosling)
    vs. A.J. Frost – Armageddon (Ben Affleck)
    …what to do, what to do?????

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