Stranger than fiction.

I spend a lot of time dwelling on fictional men. You’re all reading this, you know that. There’s a reason there are shippers and Team Whoevers in the world – we connect with these guys (or gals), they always recover when they say or do something dumb, and we only get a half hour or hour of them a week, so we never get sick of them. Another reason? Real life men are incredibly stupid.

Let’s take a look at the men I’ve encountered in the last few weeks of my life, both fictional and real. (Spoilers ahead, obviously.)

Fictional: Nick Miller

Our favorite resident of loft #4D had a bit of a rough stretch to start the season. Dating Jess made him even more childish and annoying and had me worrying for the future of one of my favorite shows. But then, two weeks ago, he began to win me back with the power of sports. (Though I’m disappointed, Nick, you caved waaaaaay too quickly.) And this week, he threw Jess the most adorable birthday party ever. He might still be a little bit of a mess, but he’s a mess with a heart of gold.

Real life: the asshole at the bar last weekend

This guy would not stop talking to my friend and me, would not leave us along despite our repeated nonverbal and verbal cues that we did not want to talk to him, until he finally got mad that we weren’t flattered by being in his presence and then called us ugly and boring. And even then, he still didn’t leave.

Fictional: Danny Castelano

Ah, Danny. While Nick was on a cold streak for much of this season, Danny has been red hot. And just when I thought he couldn’t get any hotter, well… there was this:

There is absolutely no one in real life kissing me like that. I don’t even think I want Danny and Mindy together (probably in the minority on this), but damn, that was amazing.

Real life: the guy on OkCupid who really needs to reconsider his approach

The following is an actual message I received on OkCupid last week:

I think you’re neat. Like the kind of neat where if you turned out to be crazy (let’s be serious, you kind of look it) I would probably still take you out on a date. Anyway you seem like a pretty cool person, I’d love to get together sometime and let you buy me beer.

I give up, guys. Either I suck at writing online dating profiles, or I’m completely incompatible with any normal men in New York. If you need me, I’ll be curled up in bed with Danny and Nick and Ted Mosby and Tom Branson and Robb Stark. None of them have ever called me ugly or crazy.

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