Hey, guys. It’s me. Still single, still plugging away in New York, still doing nothing exciting except working and occasionally scrolling through Tinder. (Spoiler alert: nothing clicking yet.)
But since I’m single, I don’t have to be happy with what I have, and instead I can dream about meeting the perfect guy – the guy who meets all of my criteria, who I don’t have to compromise on and doesn’t have to be a Patriots fan. So I’m going to build my perfect man here, step by step, until I mentally will him into existence (since accio perfect man hasn’t been working for me). Sure, he should include all of that important stuff, like being kind and honest and not a serial murderer and all that jazz, but let’s think about this a little more ambitiously. Let’s use some criteria that I won’t find on Match.com.
Let’s make the man I’m going to melt over.
Part One: He Can Sing.
I’m not talking hold his own at karaoke type singing. I’m not even talking Justin Timberlake or Adam Levine or Jared Leto rock/pop singing. I am talking about seriously talented, trained singing. I’m talking show tunes, people. I’m talking blow off the roof of a Broadway theater singing.
I grew up performing in and watching theater. The first boys I ever fell in love with, I fell in love with their singing. I’m a total slut for a beautiful theater voice. It’s 99% of why I love Aaron Tveit so much.
So let’s begin with him, shall we?
Take one part Aaron Tveit.
Tony nominations: 0 (which shocked me. I genuinely assumed Next to Normal had won everything. Insert sad face.)
What if I can’t get to New York? He’s on TV right now in Graceland, though I stopped watching after the show put his character in a karaoke bar and did not let him sing, which is a criminal offense of the first order, as far as I’m concerned. You can also rent the Les Miserables DVD, in which he proves that Enjolras is sexy even in a terrible wig, or you can add his stint as Tripp van der Bilt on Gossip Girl to your Netflix queue, even though Tripp van der Bilt was the absolute worst.
Supporting evidence: There are few Broadway roles sexier than Roger in Rent and few Broadway songs sexier than One Song Glory. (I always get mad at Roger, when he’s all, “I need to write one great song!” and I’m like, “you just sung it!”) Yes, it’s more rock than show tune, but I dare you to watch this and not need to fan yourself:
Want something a little more traditional? Listen to this and commence melting:
Add one part Adam Pascal.
The original Roger, and probably my original Broadway boyfriend. I listened to that soundtrack incessantly in high school, I tried (unsuccessfully, sadly) to see him in Aida when I interned here, and I finally dragged a few of my friends to see him in Memphis (which was not good) a few years back. But I’ll always have that Rent soundtrack and the cutouts I had plastered all over my bedroom wall in 1998.
Tony nominations: 1
What if I can’t get to New York? You can rent the DVD of the movie version of Rent, but to be honest, it wasn’t that great. It was too overly produced. Just listen to the original Broadway soundtrack instead.
(Bonus! Taye and Idina in happier times.)
Mix in a little Jeremy Jordan.
Tony nominations: 1
Spotify Me! Newsies
What if I can’t get to New York? Just re-watch season two of Smash! Oh wait, you didn’t bother watching season two? Me neither, even though I already loved this guy by then. Instead, you can wait alongside me with bated breath for his film adaptation of the musical The Last 5 Years, with Anna Kendrick, which I cannot wait to see.
Supporting evidence: You remember Newsies, right? The so awful it’s awesome movie starring a singing and dancing Christian Bale? It’s the movie that made me fall in love with Christian Bale, way back sometime during my freshman year of high school. Well, I was practically first in line when the musical was announced, and by the end of act one, I had forgotten Christian Bale even existed. Jack Kelly was this guy now, and this guy could sing the crap out of these songs:
I really, really love my job, but if I was standing there looking at this man singing “Seize the Day,” I’d walk right out the door and go on strike without question.
Not convinced? Listen to him take on Idina (complete with mic drop):
Stir in a dash of Jonathan Groff.
Tony nominations: 1
Spotify Me! Spring Awakening
What if I can’t get to New York? He’s currently on the HBO series Looking, which I always intended to watch but admittedly never got around to. Or you can cue up those old (good) episodes of Glee.
Supporting evidence: Do you remember how good Glee was in the early days? Like when Lea and Jonathan sang this? Goosebumps, you guys. Goose. bumps.
Bonus! Jeremy and Jonathan!
Finally, sprinkle on a dusting of a little Patrick Wilson…
…Jesse L. Martin…
…and Bryce Pinkham.
And tada! Part one of the perfect guy.
Is that so much to ask?