Hockey, Westerosi style.

It all started with a simple text from an old friend:

Sidney is my Jon Snow. No one likes or respects him but he’s still fucking awesome.

It was midway through Saturday night’s Pens/Rangers game. Said friend has lived in Capitals territory for nearly ten years, and so there are certainly few people near her who like or respect Sidney Crosby. But Jon Snow? No way. Jon Snow is boring. Jon Snow is brooding. Jon Snow is…

boringjonsnow2

Actually, come to think about it, Sid probably thinks about non-hockey stuff about as much as Jon Snow thinks about non-Night’s Watch stuff. But he’s still not Jon Snow to me. I don’t like Jon Snow nearly enough.

Naturally, this text spurred an in-game conversation with fellow Pens/Game of Thrones fan E about who Sid would be, if not Jon Snow, and conversely who Jon Snow would be, if not Sid. Which snowballed (pun intended) into who everyone else on the team would be, if they were transported to Westeros. Fueled by Game of Thrones beer (it exists) and playoff hockey, this post is the result of this very passionate discussion. Warnings, of course:

  1. GoT spoilers, obviously, up to and including last night.
  2. I haven’t read the books and probably won’t, so please don’t a) tell me to, or b) spoil anything there for me.
  3. Obviously this little game took place in my hockey world, so it obviously skews heavily Penguins, ex-Penguins, or players I wish were Penguins.

Please continue to read, even if you don’t watch the show (but only if you don’t intend to). I think you can still find enjoyment in this. Here we go.

Sidney Crosby = Stannis Baratheon

 

Is he the most exciting person when he talks? No. Is he probably the best person at his job in every way that matters? Absolutely. I was pretty sure I had this one right, and then I saw this tweet today, which sealed it:

aka, almost every tweet from every Rangers/Flyers/Capitals/Islanders fan out there. Everyone else wishes they had Stannis on their side. And if Sid is looking for his Melissandre… I’d probably burn someone at the stake for him. Just saying.

Brandon Sutter = Jon Snow

This was glaringly obvious as Sutter scored a huge goal on Saturday to tie the game, about 30 seconds after I bitched about him hitting a post. You see, even when these guys do something good (scoring a well-timed shorty, protecting The Wall against scary ice zombies or giants or what have you), I can’t totally commit to celebrating. It’s a begrudging happiness. Sometimes I’m in a good mood and I go all in on a “MARRY ME SUTTSY” tweet, and sometimes, sure, Jon Snow is really hot (something about putting an arrow through a dude’s heart will do it for me, I guess), but overall I’m usually like “uggggggggggggggggh, this guy.” Usually because I compare him (probably unfairly) to who he is not…

Jordan Staal = Oberyn Martell

As obvious as the Sutter/Snow comparison was, once E proposed this one, we realized it was even more of a no-brainer. You see, I fall fast, and I fall hard. (For athletes and celebrities, that is. With real men, I’m as closed off as Cersei Lannister after her seventh glass of wine.) Anyway, by November of Staalsy’s rookie year, I was completely in love, and by Oberyn’s second episode, I was totally in lust. But both these guys were taken from me far too quickly, and both somewhat of their own doing. JStaal turned down a new contract, Oberyn volunteered to be Tyrion’s champion, and next thing I know, I’m sitting heartbroken on my couch saying goodbye to both of them. At least Staalsy’s head is still in tact. Don’t anybody get any ideas. I will cut up your loved ones and send them back one finger at a time.

Evgeni Malkin = The Hound


Truth be told, this one may be more physically-based than character-based, but it’s the best I could come up with. I considered assigning him to Hodor, so at least I wasn’t that mean.

Mario Lemieux = Tywin Lannister


Both are (or were) the ones calling all of the shots. Both can look intimidating as hell. Both are awesome.

Claude Giroux = Joffrey Baratheon


When E asked me who Joffrey would be, I asked myself “who do you hate more than anyone, but would be really sad to see go?” And the answer was Giroux. He’s so damn hateable. But I can’t imagine a Pens/Flyers game without him.

Marc-Andre Fleury = Daenerys Targaryen


Both can be absolutely incredible at times, frustratingly disappointing at others. You never know what you’re going to get.

Henrik Lundqvist = Jaime Lannister


Devastatingly handsome, pretty good at his job, yet there’s something preventing you from totally getting on board. (Playing goalie for one of your biggest rivals on one hand, incestuous tendencies on the other.) The King and The Kingslayer have a few things in common other than looking really good in a leather jacket. (Though I highly doubt Jaime would try to act like he was stabbed when he was barely touched AS LUNDQVIST JUST DID.)

Brooks Orpik = Ser Jorah Mormont

Loyalty (to the Pens / to Daenerys) was once this person’s defining characteristic. Then he committed treason and was unceremoniously exiled (to the Capitals / to God knows where). Yep, one of my favorite players definitely aligns well with one of my favorite characters. The grizzled warrior look and piercing, intimidating eyes don’t hurt, either.

James Neal = Tyrion Lannister


Oh, boys. Such potential for greatness, ruined by such immaturity.

Alex Ovechkin = Littlefinger


Ovechkin is the talented rival for whom I’ve developed a reluctant respect. Littlefinger is the smart villain for whom I’ve developed a reluctant admiration. Do I want them to win? No. Do I enjoy watching them play the game? Absolutely.

Matt Cooke = Arya Stark


Driven by vengeance, thinks more with his/her heart than his/her head. You cheer for them anyway.

Chris Kunitz = Ser Davos Seaworth


He’s Stannis’ loyal sidekick. Was there ever any other option?

Kris Letang = Bran Stark


Listen, I know that Letang is a) more exciting, b) more talented, and c) much better looking than Bran. (Also, Letang is like 28, and Bran is like 13, so that’s a creepy statement to make, but it had to be said.) But… S brought up a good point when I threw this one back to her: perseverance in the face of debilitating injuries. For awhile, they had similar hair. Also, they’re both currently MIA. Can’t argue with that. (I miss you, Tanger. I don’t really miss you, Bran.)

Jaromir Jagr = Bronn


E: “Who would Jagr be?”

B: “Who is someone who will go wherever and do whatever for whoever pays him the most?”

E: “Bronn.”

There you go. Bronn also kind of has 1990s era Jagr hair.

Jonathan Toews = Robb Stark


These guys don’t really have that much in common aside from their origins in the north (the Starks of Winterfell, the Toews of Winnipeg). Toews is, by all accounts, one of the best leaders in the NHL. Robb, I guess, led an army for awhile before he was stabbed to death at a wedding. This one is a stretch, I acknowledge, so as a bonus I’ll give you…

Tyler Seguin = Robb Stark


Richard Madden – Scottish accent + tattoos + hockey skill = Tyler Seguin.

Ryan Kesler = Daario Naharis


Hot as hell? Check and check. Warrior attitude? Check and check. Excellent beard action? Check and check. Likes to get naked? Check and check.

Did I miss anyone? Is Stannis too bland to be Sid? Who is Margaery? Am I Cersei, since I wrote this over half a bottle of wine during that game? Which is more likely: Jon Snow becoming my favorite character or the Pens winning this series? Discuss.

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