Sunday, rainy Sunday…

It’s a dreary Sunday here in New York. It’s even drearier for me than for most, after a Penguins playoff loss. This playoffs solidified two things in my mind: 1. I will admit that Claude Giroux is one of the most talented players in the NHL, but I basically want to kick him in the balls repeatedly, and 2. I could never, ever date a Flyers fan. I joke about this a lot, with various teams, but for this one it’s absolutely true. I couldn’t. My blood was boiling during every second of this series. I don’t hate any team in sports even close to as much as I hate the Flyers – not the Ravens, not the Caps, not the Patriots. I don’t care if it’s Jake Gyllenhaal. I don’t care if he is a billionaire or if he finds a cure for cancer. If he is wearing the orange and black, it’s a no go.

As I sit here on this rainy afternoon, reluctantly cheering for the Bruins, I decided to re-invest myself in the online experiment. Unless Jordan Staal wants to come to New York and keep me company during his off-season, I need to start doing some work again to meet my three date goal. I’m halfway through my three months, so I’m already behind… but with gems like these, it seems like it’s only a matter of time:

Alluring lady,

This is Johnny, and I hope you are enjoying a great week so far. Let me cut to the chase and tell you that I am a straight shooter, and I find you very attractive and I want to find out what’s beyond your beauty. My purpose is to pick your brain, listen to what you have to say, and appreciate you for who you are. I want to appreciate you for the complete you. Join me for coffee or wine this week. Kindly let me know your availability.

I find you very interesting with those inviting eyes and lips of yours. Would you be offended if I asked for your number? I tell you this with the utmost respect, so do not be offended by my sincerity.

Best,
Johnny

Well, Johnny, how can I refuse? I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve ever received a compliment on my lips, and I am glad he appreciates me for the complete me, rather than just those inviting lips.

But really, you should have just cut to the chase, the way this guy did when emailing my friend:

Sorry I was MIA for a few days. Was in italy and spain for work. Just got back last night, and have been busy catching up.I’d love to meet you for a drink. How is tomorrow (Friday) night for you?

-Tobias

P.S. In case I forgot to mention it, you are totally bangable:)

Clear and concise! Tobias doesn’t mess around.

Stay tuned, readers. With the Pens out, I have a lot more free time on my hands. I am going to rock the shit out of Match.com. I’m getting dates, dammit. And if I don’t, I hope I at least have a few more good stories for you all.

P.S. TV Boyfriend Bracket returns this week.